There was so, SO, many, many things I wanted to say tonight, but I kept it all in check in fear of retaliation and of rejection.

I wanted to tell you that I wouldn't jump up and down like a bitch pup in heat when I see you anymore for fear of being treated that way.

I needed to tell you that I do have a life that does not rotate around you. You are a most welcome Visitor, but hardly a permanent guest.

Not knowing if or when I will speak to you makes that kind of whole-heartedness difficult and costly. I can't lose myself in you anymore, it hurts too much. I still cry myself to sleep (when I do sleep).

I kept pulling back in fear. Checking every word. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. AND I don't think you noticed. Somehow that hurt worse than a smack to my face; that smacked my heart.

Checking my facial expressions, checking my eyes, checking my tears, checking my words, my actions, my thoughts!! Checking constantly and still the fear, the worry, the dread, that one day...one day you will say goodbye and mean it.

I don't know where I stand with you. Who I am to you? Check that! Don't say it, don't think it. I don't want to know. I really don't. Because I think I already know it and that checks my soul.

~*~

I don't think you read this anymore...I hope you don't.